Fast and Fresh at 84 Hoyt St. gets toooooooons of praise around town – real ass kissing occurs. I was excited to go there. It’s a side-street, hole-in-the-wall deli where local Mexicans chow down and it’s acclaimed by Californians. Californians always know what’s up! (debatable) When we arrived, we ordered up chicken, salted beef, carnitas and, last but not least, goat tacos!  (goat is pictured above)

I’ll firstly comment on “Fast”. We waited about 15 minutes for 4 tacos and beans. Strike Uno! This is a deli with no one in it, not a restaurant. And believe me – the meats aren’t cooked to order. 15 minutes in a deli is the same as 4 hours in a restaurant.

The goat was a bit goaty as one might expect but it wasn’t bad. I think it’s preparation is where it failed. Dry, bland, chewy. Nothing tastes good like that.

The chicken (above) was actually the best one out of the bunch. It was grilled, a little crispy, and had a good sauce but was a bit…party? Meaning it included some parts that were not meat. It was also quite large.

Look at that pork! The carnitas looks delicious but for some reason was boring. It was also dry and chewy like it was cooked twice or maybe thrice. It was oily (in a bad way) and a bit dirty tasting (in a bad way).

Similar to the pork, the beef was dry, chewy and dirty. At this point, the tacos just aren’t appetizing so we failed to finish them. Overall, I found it neither Fast nor Fresh. The tacos did not embody any feeling of freshness. I felt kind of dirty afterwords. With the taste test over, we moved on to some beans!

I’ve been going to Los Pollitos II in Park Slope for many years now. Not because it’s great but because there isn’t any real competition close by (Mezcals is slop, in my opinion). Well, it was time to try their tacos as it’s been a while since I had them. I ordered 1 shrimp ($3), 1 pork ($2.25), and 1 chicken ($2.25)

The shrimp was taco was decent – it’s hard to fuck up shrimp. There was no discernible sauce on the shrimp so it was a little boring. And way too much lettuce (as pictured).

The pork taco was bland and was piled with lettuce – I rather call this one a salad taco. And lastly, the chicken taco; well, we don’t even have to talk about it. Sadly, I have to give these taco a rating of 2. With a few minor adjustments, they have a real chance of being good. But for now, I wouldn’t get them again. Los Pollitos’ specialties are enchiladas and burritos – go there for that. Not the tacos.

I ordered carnitas, chicken and vegetarian. The tacos look pretty good – which made me excited. I started with the chicken:

I never expect a chicken taco to be that impressive but usually it’s never bad. This one was pretty standard, non-shredded chicken. It was bland and a little dry and needed hot sauce to give it some flavor. Unimpressed.

Here we have the vegetarian taco which looks amazing! It has refried beans on the tortilla then topped with a bunch of vegetables which look tasty. For whatever reason, the only thing I could taste was lettuce. Avocado had no salt on it, so it was completely flavorless. It was basically a salad on a tortilla – a total letdown and a mess.

And now, what Mexicans do best – pork! This poor guy, I couldn’t even finish him because he was so nasty. I think he got caught up in one of Cha-Cha’s grills because he tasted like fish and had a very strange consistency – more mushy than stringy. I would never get this one again and I’m glad it didn’t give me diarrhea.

Conclusion: I’m hoping we can find our odl taco truck again. Iwould have given this 1 sombrero because of the terrifying pork but since the food nearby is actually much worse, I’m giving it 2.

We stumbled across the street fair on Smith Street last week so I decided to try a taco at El Pitayo . We’ve eaten there before with little success (I can’t remember what I ate) but $3 is worth trying something twice. First off, this thing is huge! The tortilla is almost the size of the plate. It was the end of the day so maybe they were trying to get rid of food; I don’t know. For $3, it’s a pretty frugal purchase. The tortilla is flour (as expected at a Tex-Mex place) but I liked it. The chicken was not hot – blame that on the street-based kitchen. It was also wet and dripping, which I always find obnoxious in tacos or burritos. It was also stewed which can usually yield a pretty flavorful chicken, yet flavorful this was not. The salt was there but other basic seasonings were lacking. Overall, I wouldn’t eat it again but I appreciate the value so I’m giving it 2 sombreros

Anyway, I opted for the Breakfast Tacos “Two flour tortillas filled with scrambled eggs, chorizo and cheese. Topped with salsa roja. Served with refried beans.” for $15.95! Yea, that price is ridiculous but it does come with “turkey ham” (wtf?),  jalapeño cornbread (why?), coffee and a margarita.

First things first, are these even tacos? I think they are enchiladas. Pretending they are tacos, there are only two of them. In my opinion, three is the optimal number. Even when Marisa and I ordered “one” taco on the street in Mexico, they gave us three anyway because they know what’s up. Second, the tortillas were flour. Unless I’m at Chipotle, I prefer corn tortillas. The tacos themselves were mildly tasty but heavy. There was nothing fresh in/on them (e.g. onions, cilantro, tomato). The chorizo was nothing I’d call Mexican. No spice, no dripping orange oil, no burping all night, and no red shit in my teeth. The potatoes would have been good if they weren’t already cooked 2 or 3 times. I hoped the cornbread would be a random treat but it was dry and where are the jalapeños? Beans were bland as usual. And then the real black sheep of the dish: turkey ham. What the hell is turkey ham? I’m not sure but it seemed like a turkey version of Canadian bacon. And yes, it tasted like it sounds; Like an imitation of an imitation of something amazing.  So, now I’m realizing they throw in a 50¢ worth of turkey ham and cornbread so it looks like I’m getting a ton of food for $16!

Verdict: Don’t go here for brunch. I can’t speak for the rest of the food but I can say they have good coffee and good margaritas.

Yum!

$$$

I ordered the Taco De Puerco: “three corn tortillas filled with chile roasted pork, chihuahua cheese and black beans, served with mexican style rice and avocado” for a recession-neglecting $14.25.

iPhone photo aside, they don’t look too appetizing. They may have been run over or dropped on the floor. However, having faith in anything with roasted pork, I was optimistic. Unfortunately, the pork was dry and seasoning was one-dimensional. The spiciness was so-so, typical gringo-level. The cheese and black beans were the only hope for these tacos – but even a dog turd tastes good with cheese and beans on it. The rice was dry and bland, in normal Mexican fashion (Sorry, Mexico, Puerto Rico holds the gold medal there – your rice sucks). The guacamole was a last ditch effort to bring some value to the dish, which falls short as it sits there sadly with grains of dry rice stuck in it. The kitchen must have run out of salt because even the guacamole was lacking.

Overall: Dry, bland, terrible value: 2 Sombreros